


Then and now

by bblamentation



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Ep 59. Spoilers, Gen, Grief, Loneliness, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-10-10 08:07:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10433190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bblamentation/pseuds/bblamentation
Summary: Taako's outlook on life relies on his memories and remembering one thing can change them just slightly. It's confusing.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Ep. 59 got me good and I loved so many moments but I'm not sure how I feel about the change in Taako's backstory so I worked on this... 
> 
> Alternative Summary: The moment Taako remembers he has a sister is the moment he grieves.

Inoculation is the top priority when it comes to the Bureau of Balance, so of course both Taako and Merle follow protocol especially now they're seeking the truth. Even if both the director—Lucretia—and Barry had worried they had inoculated themselves too hastily, as the two most observant overseers of the tres horny bois’ adventures, they should have known the boys are the hasty type. Yet, in their attempts to de-stress some of the memories, one stuns Taako more than the rest.

_Lup…_

Just like with the knowledge of Sazed’s deed Taako's way of life is changed by one person. Having the knowledge and understanding that Sazed had gradually begun to resent Taako’s fame and spotlight had been a bearable thought; people often disliked the high elf and if not they oft grew tired of Taako. Taako has been used to that. However, this refocus of another life with Lup is different to Sazed.

With Sazed came the relief that Taako had not served and killed forty people.

But what relief came from remembering Lup? Memories flood but slot in as though nothing has changed.

And so Taako tests it out. He starts with his first memories: the ones where he aches for a friend his age and not the old innkeepers and loud ruffians. His childhood is a place of hurt that Taako often refuses to revisit especially when Angus had proudly shown off that he could transform into a small Taako. They're a past that clings to him in the moments he is alone to remind him.

Taako hates those memories: the ones where he’s wandering lost and alone for twelve years… no… Lup was there. Her teasing grin so clear. Such clear elvish features akin to his that the face is almost his mirror (a mirror prior to Wonderland). That the ache he feels looking in a mirror is not for perfection but for her perfection, Lup’s glowing face. Knowing why he trails his fingers on the mirror after he has prepped himself and the way he tries to catch his reflections in streams and windows is to look for her and not his flaw, offsets Taako, skews his perceptions of his world.

For surviving in living a life alone, it would be harder to accept the memory of a loving Lup than the easy betrayal of Sazed.

Debates of truth between the depth of the ache in his lonely childhood battling the nostalgia of laughs with his sister, rattle through Taako’s head. They war with what is real. They both feel real; Taako feels them both so raw and real.  Surely, he had been alone. He feels that ache every day of his life.

But only a second before, the director had cracked her voice on the name Lup.

Lup is real.

Lup was real.

* * *

Taako had not seen his sister die but an inoculated person could guess: The hunger stalking a half-elf until she’s backed to a wall, umbra staff raised, refusing to back down despite the shaking fear…

And yet, not for one second had he mourned the skeleton sat eerily comfortably in Wave Echo Cave. They all had been curious of the body but not the person and had listened and followed Gundren to the vault with no moment spared to look and mourn over the ashes of his dear sister. The ashes had been left, alone. 

And Taako remembers how Merle’s attempts to reach for the cane had failed whilst he pulled the umbrella from the crimson robe, sparks and tickling lightning shining from him, with such ease that the skeleton acknowledges him. That Lup's skeleton body had recognised him and jerked in response to Taako, her dear brother. 

In recalling the events of just over a year ago, Taako looks to the one person who was with him in that cave. He needs to catch whether Merle also remembers the significance of Wave echo cave. But rather than catch his eye, Merle’s one grey eye is in a frown of mourning and trained on the umbra staff.

With the recognition of Lup and the staff, Taako feels the true weight of it and the weight of forgotten memories: he remembers the first time Lup had swung the umbrella in triumph that she and Barry had stolen from an old thieving mage; he remembers the time they swapped his wand to try her staff; hell, he even remembers the mundane of the first shelled dish they ate together transmuted with her staff whilst his attempts failed.

And in his recent memories uncensored by the small voidfish in the tank, he can hear Barry’s voice from months ago screaming that they had found her; he sees the writing of her name on a wall dangerously close to Angus; and he feels the weight of almost killing Kravitz, a reaper, a servant, death. Too many times, the umbra staff had called out to him. Lup had always been with him just as Lup had always been there in those lonely years— _are they still lonely if I remember Lup?_

Yet, as he recalled those lonely years, _no Taako, Lup had been there,_ he aches for her smile hell even her condescending sighs that said he was stupid would do. He wants those memories in the present. He wants all the memories of an elven Lup but the umbra staff Lup weigh him with tears in his eyes of memories gone—both previously lost by the voidfish but now lost in a pained nostalgia. Taako does not want to see any part of his past self having fun and watching Lup with nostalgic eyes.

He wants her now.

But if she were here now would he still be the same Taako? After all, this Taako was an elf with vivid memories of a lonely twelve years, not one who spent his childhood with a sister. This Taako has years of being a wandering chef relying on transmutation learnt hard and by the book, not one who had studied playfully alongside a best friend. This Taako is still trying to grapple with whom they can trust and how easily they can do so, not one who had six friends to dote on and tease.

The Taako with Lup had forged the grand relics whilst Taako without has reclaimed the grand relics. That Taako had someone in the world with the exact same beauty as him whilst this Taako had been stripped to normality. That Taako had lived with the warmth of a sibling…

The Taako now will only live with the memories of a sister fused together with years lost and alone.

When he finally swallows down the thoughts, and tunes in to hear Lucretia’s voice, he feels Merle’s warm hand on his hip. Merle is watching him carefully and the one word Taako picks out from Lucretia’s speech is "Magnus."

The three of them will sort through the truth. They will gain their lost years whatever they may be.


End file.
